A Suburban Holiday Miracle Part 1

Once upon a time on the edge of a great swamp there was a town.  The town was pastel colored and was a bit incongruent as it seemed an after thought to the swamp.  Surely under all the houses, under all the nail salons, under all the gas stations dedicated to selling arepas, there was still some memory of an older time.  A time when gopher tortoises hadn’t been buried alive in the rush to create gated communities named for the things that were destroyed to create them.

This community was blessed with a Publix Supermarket density that no other community could match.  On any day you could get on your bicycle (or ride your bicycle with sixty-five other bicyclists) down any street and inevitably you would find a Publix.  The parking lot would have golf carts parked in disabled walkways, and there would be every color of Tesla parked in the lots.

It was in one of these Publix stores where this story begins.  Mrs. Hoggingham’s maid had just quit so that she could move to Martha’s Vineyard to be with the rest of her family, and Mrs. Hoggingham found herself in the difficult position of having to buy lettuce and other groceries all by herself.  She was already irritated because of this, and also the steep rise in the cost of yoga pants.  She desperately needed lettuce to offset all her other meals.  As any nutritionist will tell you, one salad a day will undo a week of snacking at the Cheese Course.

When Mrs. Hoggingham reached the produce aisle, she was shocked to find there was no lettuce.  Not just iceberg, but also no arugula, butterhead, coral lettuce, cress, endive, escarole, frisée, little gem, looseleaf, mâché, mesclun, oakleaf, radicchio, romaine, speckled or stem lettuce.  Just no salad greens at all.  Immediately she called for a manager.

Mr. Green the produce manager attempted to calm Mrs. Hoggingham down unsuccessfully.  “Ma’am, I assure you tomorrow we will restock but as for today we have no lettuce.  I promise you it is only temporary and I apologize for the oversight…”

He kept glancing awkwardly behind Mrs. Hoggingham and finally she turned to see what was distracting him from her very real and very serious problem.

Behind her looking ashamed and awkward was a full grown cow manatee in a sundress pushing a shopping cart.  In the seat was a baby manatee and in the basket was all of the store lettuce.  Mrs. Manatee was buying them all and the commotion had made her feel ridiculous and ashamed.  

End Part One of the Suburban Holiday Miracle